Sugar, Sugar, Sweet

When I started 2013, I vowed to give up sugar for the year. And let me clarify--I said I would give up white, refined, processed sugar. I decided honey was fine and also coconut sugar and maple syrup. I was interested in staying away from the really potent stuff. I figured honey and coconut sugar would be used rarely enough that they wouldn't be a big deal.

And it worked--for a little while. Mostly as long as I stayed away from honey and coconut sugar too. Let's just say I love sugar (any kind of sugar) but guess what? It doesn't love me quite so much. Or at all. Ever.

Giving up gluten and giving up dairy was easier than this. I can go without sugar for weeks or months at a time but the minute I have treats again? I am right back in the middle of my sugar love. I want it, I want it all the time, and I want in large quantities.

I know that lots of people have a hard time with sugar. What I wish was I didn't blow up to a ginormous size because of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know some people feel awful when they eat it, some people get headaches, some people get sick. I feel terrible for all of them. But in my myopic perspective, all of that pales in comparison to gaining weight because of sugar.

I can't place the blame only on sugar, I know. It just seems to have the tightest grip on me. And truly, I don't want to go through life without eating cake, having a brownie or making a pie. Remember, I am so not good at suffering. But really what I mean is that I want to participate in feating and celebration and sharing food. We have cake at birthdays, brownies at parties, pie during the holidays. I don't want to miss out. One of the worst parts of my fattyhood? Feeling alone, feeling different and feeling isolated. When I have to eat so differently from everyone else around me it makes me feel even more alone and more isolated. More strange than I already do, every day.

Aaaaaggggh! I promised to be honest for these 30 days. I promised myself I would be open and vulnerable. I've never talked about this stuff in this way before. But just because I am not holding back doesn't mean I am sure that laying it all out there makes it feel any better. More than once I have wished it wasn't my story to tell.