Truth Telling

I am not going to be very good at editing myself here on this blog. I've done that for a long, long time when it comes to obesity, weight loss and the reality of chubbiness. I've glossed over it, ignored it, resented it and avoided the subject entirely. My goal in writing on this blog for 30 days has been to tell my story with all the truth I can muster. Sometimes, just getting it out there helps me to see it more clearly. But sometimes it just scares me to pieces.

This week has been a week of highs and lows. Mostly I have been eating too much and feeling all over the place--excitement, happiness, bliss, freedom, strength, power and truth. All of that feeling makes me  scared. Scared that this is all going in the right direction. Where I want it to go--out of fattyhood. I don't know why that scares me so much because it is what I have always wanted more than anything. But every time I get scared, I eat.

So there has been a lot of eating.

It sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? Success scares you? My gosh, what will I have to work on if this thing is not hanging over me all the time? What will I be able to blame all of my unhappiness on? What will be my go-to excuse for not doing something? For not wanting to go somewhere? For feeling bad about myself? For doing poorly on a project? For not reaching my goals? My favorite crutch will be gone. I keep wanting it to be gone but staring that possibility in the face makes me realize that as much as I want it gone, I've grown very accustomed to its presence and that means the comfort of it will be gone. Success is scary because it takes me out of my comfort zone.

I remember one time when I was about twenty-two, I had been steadily losing weight for months. I was starting to look different than I ever had. I was so looking forward to putting the "weight thing" in my rearview mirror and never dealing with it again. I was so ready to be out chubbiness and into "real life." One morning after praying, I had the distinct impression that this thing was not going away permanently; that I had more to learn from this process and so things were not going to change as quickly as I thought they would. I had no idea. No idea that I would spend the next 15 years dealing with this thing. Not a clue.

What stays with you grows comfortable eventually because it is what you know. I am willing to be uncomfortable for a while, in order to know new ways. I am willing to be scared.

My bet is once I get on the other side of the discomfort, I might like this new way of doing life.