I went to a bridal shower on Saturday and ran into some people I had not seen for a while. One of them grabbed me in a hug and screamed about how I looked "amazing" and "What was I doing?" and wanted to know more. I wanted to climb in a hole and die.
First of all, I am huge. Literally. And despite my weight loss, I am still huge. For about a minute, these type of comments are like water on parched ground but the next minute those words turn to ice and make my heart cold. Something about comments opens up this box where I feel hurt and young and brand-new.
Second, (and this is where my tiny violin is going to get a workout), with obesity, you live in a comment-free world as an adult. Rarely, if ever, does someone comment on your looks, your clothes, your hair, your presence. If ever. But suddenly, you lose weight and it opens up this Pandora's box. I hear things about my hair, my skin, my body, my weight, my face, my eyes, my personality, my energy and on and on and on. Suddenly, it is like I have opened myself up for revision and reduction in all kinds of ways. And that smarts just a bit. I do not have any barometer for what is a typical amount of feedback on your looks from people. So, every comment carries impact. Maybe it does for everyone. I just feel new here and unsure of myself.
Really, it boils down to the fact that this weight loss is intensely personal. (Then why am I writing on a blog about it? Good question, folks!) Again, I am still huge. I am barely a third of the way to my goal. I don't even begin to look "normal" yet. And I am doing something that I have wished and wanted and hoped and begged and pleaded for MY ENTIRE LIFE. So, I think it is no surprise that comments make me a little weird. Send me into a weird head space. For so long this journey has been private and so very agonizing for me. And I have never been able to hide it. And I can't hide that things are changing too. Everybody gets to see and gets to say what they want.
Just be gentle.